Bang! Bang!

The one thing I was insistent about when my eldest was two was that there be no guns. Unlike the other kids, even water guns and the kind you make extending your thumb and pointing your finger were not allowed. My son is now five and guns have made their way into his play. He sees them in the cartoons he watches, on the news, other kids, comic books and the regular kind - Everywhere!  

In hindsight, my decision to ban all gun play was irrational and harmful. Keeping my son from a "bad thing" did not prepare him for what to do when that "bad thing" was all around him. I'm jumping the gun here (pun intended), but how is he going to handle a situation where he is 15 and the kids around him are all smoking pot or just cigarettes? In hindsight, my banning the "bad thing" from his life left him unprepared to deal with other "bad things" later on. In my ban I destroyed any opportunities for "teachable moments."

In hindsight, it was not so much the guns that bothered me. It was where he was pointing the weapon at that concerned me. I hate to sound like an NRA goon, but in this case it was "people that kill people," not the gun. My ban on guns did not stop him from pointing his imaginary web shooters, iron palms, Ultraman ray (made by simply bending your arm in a 90 degree angle), etc. at the "evil" object or person.

There has been a lot written about little boys and aggression. Some years ago, my wife and I swore by a documentary we saw on PBS called Raising Cain. It addressed aggression issues in boys and talked about the "boy pysche" in the modern world. It made the claim that aggression was natural in boys and that ignoring it or suppressing it could be harmful.

When I read a recent Parental Advisory on Babble, it reminded me of my snap decision to ban gun play and being hit with the consequences of being wrong.

Guns and aggression are inevitable in the life of a 21st Century boy. I have lifted my unenforceable ban on gun play for my boys. I have replaced the ban with talks of proper gun play conduct and appropriateness.

Native Tongue

I want my children to learn Chinese because:

1. I'm Chinese.
2. It is important to me that my children retain a cultural connection.
3. I have always regretted that I am illiterate in my parent's language.

It was always a given that my children would learn Chinese. My wife and I did not question it. The dilemma occured when my wife and I were deciding which dialect they would learn: Cantonese or Mandarin? The other issue is that I really don't like the way Chinese is taught. The classroom is very traditional and uninspiring.

I do not have fond memories of Chinese school. My parents stopped sending me shortly after I started. I got into fights with the other kids. I started late, so was a year or two older than the other kids. My friends played baseball on the weekend. I didn't think it was fair I had to go to school. I speak Cantonese awkwardly and am completely illiterate.

I cannot even write my own name in Chinese. I have to ask my father to write my children's names. I don't even know why I insisted my children have Chinese names. My Chinese name serves no other purpose than to remind me of my shortcomings. Even my grandmother called me by my English name when she was alive - and she was the one that gave me my Chinese name!

So I wonder about the wisdom of sending my children to Chinese school. It is "awakening" for me to be in the position my parents where in when they registered me for American kindergarten in Queens. They did not have an intimate knowledge of the English language, just like I don't have an intimate knowledge of Chinese. I struggle to understand everything I am being told. My wife and I speak English at home. We do not share a common cultural dialect.

I toy with the idea of going back to school and getting a BA in Chinese Language. I want to be able to read in Chinese, regardless of the dialect. But I know I am a poor student. I have tried several times to learn Mandarin and have not made any progress. It is struggle to stay focused.

I wonder if my sending my children to Chinese school is a decision made from ego (a way to compensate for my own shortcoming) or if I truly believe it is beneficial for them in the future.

Birthday Bash

Recently, my wife and I argued over whether or not to throw our son a birthday party. She wanted a large party with all of his classmates. I wanted something more intimate with just the nuclear family. 

This year, our son's birthday fell at an opportune time. It was Spider-Man week in New York City, Free Comic Book Day, the Tribeca Film Festival, and the Asian American Heritage Festival. I felt it would have been enough to spend the days up to and after his birthday attending one of the events going on around the city. I felt it would have been more "intimate." It was time to bond with him. And it was more than just one day.

My wife felt that it was important to have a more traditional celebration with a party, cake, and candles. This was his first year at school. He had attended his classmates' celebrations and had been asking for his own party. She also felt that this was a very important birthday for him. This birthday marked a benchmark in his life. We last had a big party for him when he was three. We hired a storyteller and rented the backroom of a cafe.

Recently, I read an article on Babble called "Birthdays Gone Wild." The author wrote about how much time, planning, and money she had spent on her son's birthday parties. Once, she even rented a lion cub from a local zoo! She wrote about how frustrated she was that her son seemed to have no memory of the great birthday parties she had thrown for him. He only remembered running around and playing with his friends. She realized that the parties she had thrown for him were more for herself than for him. The parties helped relieve the guilt she felt over being a working mom. Needless to say, with each year the parties became more and more extravagant until she came to the realization that the size and expense of the parties did not matter to her son, who only wanted to play with his friends.

This year our son got a party with all of his friends and we celebrated throughout the week with a special activity here and there. It worked out well for everyone involved. I spent the day with him and our youngest. My wife had a party waiting for him when we got home. We don't have the resources to rent a baby lion but "Birthdays Gone Wild" was a poignant cautionary tale for all future birthdays.