Namesake

What will I tell my sons when they ask how my wife and I named them? Will they ask? My sister was named after a race horse. My father says he named her after a race horse that won on the day or some time during the week of her birth. I was named because he wanted something "different."

I say that both my wife and I picked the names for our sons, but the truth is I picked them. She just agreed. We had two names that we really liked for our oldest. We went with the one that was softer to the ear and had more meaning in Chinese numerology. We didn't know at the time that we would be using the name we didn't choose for his younger brother. A harsher sounding name in English. In Spanish, smoother.

A fun fact about my children's names: Neither my wife's or my parents can pronounce the name correctly. The consonant sounds do not exist in either of our parents' languages.

The boys' names were easy. My wife and I struggled over what to name a girl. Initially, we thought our second would be a girl. We had a girl's name picked out for our first just in case, but for one reason or another, we felt it was necessary to revisit girls' names. I think it was me. I was unhappy was the name we had selected before. But I had no alternatives to choose from. We wrestled with names it seems up to the day our second was born.

Both my sons have Chinese names that they do not know or can write. My grandmother chose my oldest son's name and my father chose my youngest son's name. My grandmother had passed away before he was born, so the responsibility fell on my father.

Their Chinese names are simple to remember and to write. That was my one request. My Chinese name is complicated and hard to write. I remember at one point in my life when it seemed like I was going crazy, my grandmother wanted to change one of the characters in my Chinese name because she felt that all of the ornate dashes brought about a "disharmony." I had refused.

Actually, it sort of made me angry. It was the name she gave me. And even though I could barely write it, I had become very possessive of it. It was after all - My Name! I believed all of the little ornate dashes were strengths and not a weaknesses. I believed they symbolized "versatility" and not "disharmony."

My sons' names begin with a solid unbroken character. The second part of the name is not so "unbroken" but the strokes are limited. There aren't a lot of dashes all around. I believe this will make sons more straightforward and driven than I was, especially in adolescence. Also, their names both bring to mind the sun, which brings to mind new days on spring mornings. Which brings to mind the subtle and unconscious need for hope and new beginnings.

My grandmother passed away shortly before my oldest son's first birthday. I still do not use my Chinese name for anything. I still cannot write it. However, it is still my name. I hope my sons feel the same about their Chinese names.

Trust

It is a horrible feeling not being able to trust your mother. Recently, I have had to draw some pretty thick and deep lines in the sand when it comes to my mother. It has not been easy.

I know she did not mean to do it maliciously. I know she thought she was doing the right thing. And I have no intention of trying to change her. But she can be very controlling and sometimes in her need to control her environment, she can be insensitive to the people around her. She can be extremely hurtful.

I do not blame her. It is my fault and the fault of my wife's for not addressing the issues earlier. It is my fault and my wife's for not enforcing our boundaries and reminding my mother of them when she first crossed them. Instead we ignored it and my mother mistook our passivity as our condoning her actions. Now, I have stopped it and my mother says she does not understand.

I have to be very rational and very clear with my mother. I need to control the conversation. If I do not, she breaks off into hysterics. She gets emotional. When she gets emotional my wife buckles to her whims. When she gets emotional, I hang up the phone.

She used to be able to manipulate my sister and I that way. She used to manipulate us by crying or screaming and yelling. But we are grown now and somewhat more self-aware. All sincerity is lost in the knowledge that she has used this tactic to gain control in the past. My sister has not spoken to my mother in 12 years. I am not my sister but I am tempted. All I have done is restricted her visits with my children to once a month.

She kept saying she "didn't understand." I told her that she is very controlling and that sometimes her need to control hurts people's feelings. I told her that my wife does not stand up to her and that is a problem when it came to decisions regarding our children. I kept on at her, listing instances of when she crossed the line with me, until she relented and said, she didn't agree. I told her not understanding and not agreeing are two different things.